you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
