my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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