when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
