I have demons in me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
