Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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