I'm so fucking centered right now
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
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