I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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