KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
