she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
