happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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