dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
