you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
