I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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