Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he puts the penis in happiness.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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