I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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