i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
