return my video game
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
