Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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