I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
