If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
