why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
