just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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