Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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