who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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