I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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