i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
