I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
