I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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