I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
