we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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