I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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