I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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