I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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