we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
