My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
