last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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