I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
