I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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