He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
