I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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