Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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