New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
