I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
