I wish my penis had an off switch
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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