I accidentally burped into my bong.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
