You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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