Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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