So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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