WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think your dad took our porno
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
