from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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