I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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