Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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