I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
